


Sentiment

by karatedevil



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin Skywalker(mentioned) - Freeform, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Qui Gon Jinn(mentioned), i may have abandoned my other fic in favor of this, obi is 22 in this and ani is 12, this is for my friend's birthday, timelines are probably whack but do i care? not at all., vague ending because i wasnt sure how to end it lmfao.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:53:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24699382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karatedevil/pseuds/karatedevil
Summary: Obi-Wan visits Qui-Gon's old quarters, for the first time in two years, after a particularly exhausting day.
Kudos: 15





	Sentiment

**Author's Note:**

  * For [clpudstrife](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=clpudstrife).



It's not easy to pretend it's all fine. Thing is, nobody ever said it would be. There's no manual for this, or a book that can get you through your responsibilities without the pain it brings, without the loss of yourself.

Obi's more familiar with that fact than he'd like to be. He thinks that if there was a way, he wouldn't take that road regardless, but it never stops the thought from crossing his mind when he's alone and contemplating. 

Balancing raising and training a twelve year old is exactly what you'd expect it to be. Anakin can be a handful, even if he thinks he's helping, and Obi wishes that he'd just listen, at times. Some days are harder than others. On the days that are especially easy, they bond; they get through the masses together. During others, the ones that are harder on them both, Anakin always ends up causing trouble, and it's hard to get him to see that. He can be stubborn, pushing for what he thinks is right, and sometimes, Obi wants to agree with him. He doesn't.

He can see himself in Anakin. Just in the small ways, the responses and those actions of his, but it actually helps when he can relate to his padawan—it took some time for Obi to really get used to him, and those tiny moments began to fill him with warmth.

One day, when he'd least expected it, Anakin popped a question: "Can I see my mom soon, Master?"

It had made Obi feel more melancholy than he'd expected. He could see how it was affecting the child not to be around his mother, yet he took it in stride, being brave for the sake of his training. He wished he could've said yes that day.

Anakin clearly looked up to him. Often enough, he was trying to mimic Obi, especially his attacks and the way he handled himself. If it didn't irritate him a little, he usually found it cute. It's just that he knows it could go south, it makes him protective. And that's when Obi really realizes his predicament: he cares for this padawan. Much more than he thought he would. It's not a bad thing, but it confuses him, makes him think too much. He didn't like caring about people.

Despite this, as the days began to grow longer, he found himself glad that his padawan was around. In his own time, he had learned a lot. But Anakin taught him new things every day, things that gave him a different perspective. He enjoyed training him now, a lot more than before; had become thankful that it was his responsibility. 

It'd been two years since they began Anakin's training. Two whole years, and it felt like time was in a slow whirlwind ever since then. He tries not to think about Qui Gon, and fails every time, because that was the one person he truly counted on. 

Qui Gon had taken on Obi with pride. He was a great Master, and an even greater friend—it was on days like these where he was missed the most. It'd been tough in the past few months, and his reassurance, his guidance, would've helped. It definitely would've made Obi stop feeling like he wasn't doing the right thing.

In the past, Qui Gon always had a way with his words. Even if you were at rock bottom, he knew exactly how to soothe you, and how to get you back on track where you needed to be. It was never about having the answers with him. Although it didn't work on everybody; some people really, really butted heads with Qui Gon and his wisdoms, and went as far as to insult him for them or talk in secret about it. These things never offended him, though, seeing as he took it without so much as a flinch. Honestly, it amazed Obi that he had so much self control—either that, or he really just didn't care—but it was something that, at the moment, Obi did not possess.

He couldn't focus on keeping that self control when he was so tired. Exhausted, actually. It wasn't only because of his padawan–It was mostly because of the backlash he'd been getting lately, and the pressure being put on him. Obi was so tired he was dizzy at this point; after a long day of training with Anakin, he needed some time to himself. He had duties to attend to, but they could wait. 

Usually, he'd just walk the halls when it was late enough that nobody would bother him. It served as a nice distraction, and it made it easy to clear his head, too. If it wasn't this, then it was meditating. Tonight he held no interest in walking aimlessly, no. This time, he had different plans. 

He liked to think maybe he could forget the way to the destination. It would aid him in not feeling like there was a hole in his chest, though he had no such luck; Obi remembered it, no matter how much he didn't like that he did. He knew the way to Qui Gon's quarters like the back of his hand. 

Upon reaching the door, he pauses. Like he should go back. Like touching the keypad to open it is a death wish. 

Obi tried very, very hard not to let it get to him, to not be broken by his Master's death, because he knew that it would do him no good in raising Anakin. He couldn't stop that day from ripping him apart, but it wasn't for lack of trying–he really thought he'd had a chance. He hadn't really cried, hadn't made a scene, didn't let anyone see how badly it had hurt him, like knives in his chest, and he thought that it'd hurt less by now. After two years, he realizes his grief hasn't lessened a bit. 

Now, he can feel the wetness on his cheeks, though he makes no sound. He inches closer until his fingers are typing in the code to open the door and when it does, the first thing he sees is the dark space in Qui Gon's room, the lights having been turned off for a long time.

He moves into the darkness and the door closes behind him while he fumbles for a lightswitch, his trembling fingers making it hard for him to actually get the lights on, but he manages after a minute or two. 

The room is empty aside from a few of Qui Gon's old belongings. It'd survived two years and he knew that it'd probably end up occupied sooner than later, so he took a moment to register it all, take it in. 

There's a few candles on top of his desk that haven't been lit in a long time, and Obi takes the opportunity to light them, though they don't have much of a smell anymore. The bed is made, just like his Master had left it. He sits, and then he decides he'd rather lay down—he does so face first, shoving his face into Qui Gon's old pillows—because it brings him great comfort to do so. In the two years his Master had been gone, Obi hadn't visited his quarters. He regrets that now, the sentiment of it all clouding his mind greatly. 

You could say Qui Gon was a father figure to Obi. But he probably wouldn't admit it to anyone if they asked, because it was hard enough as is just to admit Qui Gon was someone he cared deeply about. It wrecked him that he wasn't here. That he couldn't see him ever again. He was the only real family he'd had in a long time. 

Anakin was his family now too, his brain reminds him, but it's a thought he shouldn't even be having. Obi sighs, shifting so he can turn over and lay on his back. He runs a finger through his short, still somewhat spiky hair, and almost forgets that he had lost his braid a long time ago. When he rubs his eyes tiredly, his fingers get wet, and he tries not to acknowledge the way his eyes blur over just by thinking about it. 

He speaks, the words directed to Qui Gon but instead only greeting the silence of the room. "I'm sorry." Obi frowns, knowing how stupid he must sound, even when there's nobody around. "I should've saved you."

Nothing happens, nobody talks back to him. There's not another sound made. It's just him, his thoughts, and the sudden warmth in his chest that wasn't there before. He can't tell where it came from. But it soothes him. Soon enough, it pulls at his exhaustion, and he closes his eyes, tears falling freely.

Today had been hard. Today had tired him out, and he wasn't so sure he could be what Anakin needed, but now there's something, a feeling, letting him know it'll be okay. When he's lulled to sleep, for once Obi knows that the feeling is right; that him visiting his old friend's quarters had done him some good, because his worries are drifting from him. 

The last thing he thinks of, is that he's going to be alright. He has Anakin, now. And they'll do great things, he's sure, even if they're both stubborn and have to go through the rough part of it before they get to the good. 


End file.
